February 7th 2009 Nothing can change it.Posted by Samantha Shaw on Saturday, July 4, 2009
Under: Truths
I hate feeling this way...feeling like nothing is moving. Emptiness,
like a hole is taking place of where my heart and mind should be.
Crying is absolutely pointless when no one is around to stop the tears.
Fighting is impossible when there is no one to fight with. So i guess
being silent is my only option...not that anyone would listen anyways.
Well i guess i can't say anyone...one person would but...he's not
around either to listen to me whine. I want to go outside and lay down
in the long grass...even though it's wet and muddy. I want to feel cold
and shiver when i look up at the night sky...see the stars and the
clouds against them moving ever so slightly. Feel the blade with one
quick motion slide off my skin with a sharp pain that is just plain
ecstasy...watch the blood run down my arm...with a smile i look up at
the ceiling as it starts to spin. As i start to laugh the sound gets
caught in my throat...afraid to make a noise...because the echo that
would bounce off the walls would only remind me again that i'm
alone...and take away my adrenaline rush that the new gash in my arm
has provided me with. Just thinking upon my bad habits makes me
unsuitable for anyone...any kind of relationship. For i hardly
recognize warmth anymore...coldness has taken over my life...no one
deserves to be neglected this way. My insanity increases every day. My
little green box that was once my private space is now exploited and i
have no place to call my own...how is it possible to be surrounded by
people and feel more alone than i've ever felt...? I make no sence and
i haven't felt this way for a long time...i know that i will be in
trouble when he sees...he will question...he will wonder...what is he
doing wrong? The honest truth is...nothing. I love him so much that it
hurts...and i'm worried. There is nothing wrong with him...ever. Its
only me...i'm not all here together in the head....and i don't know
when i'll have the strength or the guts to finally end it...? not with
him but myself...i wonder if it would hurt very much...if it would
sting for just a moment...or if i would feel the pain forever...i
wonder if i would instantly be sent to the pits of hell to rot or if my
soul would stick around to torture the ones that i used to love...the
answers to these questions are looming...but i guess until i pull the
trigger i won't know the answers to my questions...who knows how long
i'll have to wait...i will only know...when i die. what a sad
thought...i wonder if he would be mad very much? or if he would be more
sad than mad..? i don't want to hurt him....but i'm numb to everything
at this moment so i don't really have feeling though i know i should i
don't really care i wonder if my mom would cry at my funeral...or if my
brothers would understand...or if the unborn child in my mothers
utterus would ever get to know the memory of me. Wow i sound scary...to
my loves...the ones i don't love. Fuck you. Besides my eternal love...i
will love you forever...no matter what state i'm in.
In : Truths |
February 7th 2009 Nothing can change it.Posted by Samantha Shaw on Saturday, July 4, 2009
Under: Truths
In : Truths |