I hate feeling this way...feeling like nothing is moving. Emptiness, like a hole is taking place of where my heart and mind should be. Crying is absolutely pointless when no one is around to stop the tears. Fighting is impossible when there is no one to fight with. So i guess being silent is my only option...not that anyone would listen anyways. Well i guess i can't say anyone...one person would but...he's not around either to listen to me whine. I want to go outside and lay down in the long grass...even though it's wet and muddy. I want to feel cold and shiver when i look up at the night sky...see the stars and the clouds against them moving ever so slightly. Feel the blade with one quick motion slide off my skin with a sharp pain that is just plain ecstasy...watch the blood run down my arm...with a smile i look up at the ceiling as it starts to spin. As i start to laugh the sound gets caught in my throat...afraid to make a noise...because the echo that would bounce off the walls would only remind me again that i'm alone...and take away my adrenaline rush that the new gash in my arm has provided me with. Just thinking upon my bad habits makes me unsuitable for anyone...any kind of relationship. For i hardly recognize warmth anymore...coldness has taken over my life...no one deserves to be neglected this way. My insanity increases every day. My little green box that was once my private space is now exploited and i have no place to call my own...how is it possible to be surrounded by people and feel more alone than i've ever felt...? I make no sence and i haven't felt this way for a long time...i know that i will be in trouble when he sees...he will question...he will wonder...what is he doing wrong? The honest truth is...nothing. I love him so much that it hurts...and i'm worried.  There is nothing wrong with him...ever. Its only me...i'm not all here together in the head....and i don't know when i'll have the strength or the guts to finally end it...? not with him but myself...i wonder if it would hurt very much...if it would sting for just a moment...or if i would feel the pain forever...i wonder if i would instantly be sent to the pits of hell to rot or if my soul would stick around to torture the ones that i used to love...the answers to these questions are looming...but i guess until i pull the trigger i won't know the answers to my questions...who knows how long i'll have to wait...i will only know...when i die. what a sad thought...i wonder if he would be mad very much? or if he would be more sad than mad..? i don't want to hurt him....but i'm numb to everything at this moment so i don't really have feeling though i know i should i don't really care i wonder if my mom would cry at my funeral...or if my brothers would understand...or if the unborn child in my mothers utterus would ever get to know the memory of me. Wow i sound scary...to my loves...the ones i don't love. Fuck you. Besides my eternal love...i will love you forever...no matter what state i'm in.